To Divorce or Not to Divorce
There’s this sticky, dark, uncomfortable space that you find yourself in when you’re considering divorce. You’re not totally convinced to move forward with it, but you also don’t want to go back. You swing between looking for clues as to whether your marriage can be saved (one more counselling session?..), and finding out information about a legal separation and divorce.
You feel undecisive
Frustrated with yourself
And you wish that somebody would just tell you what to do.
Scrolling through Instagram doesn’t help. But you don’t have much energy for anything else.
The same questions circulate in your mind;
How did we get here?
Why doesn’t he love me any more?
What’s wrong with me?
How could I do this to the marriage…to the kids…
You’re feeling what a caterpillar feels. Restricted, antisocial, and not her true self.
But what does the caterpillar do? The caterpillar does not blame herself for the stage she’s at. She does not protest, and demand immediate change. She simply waits. She waits until her body is ready for the next stage..the transformation.
And this is my message to you today. Sometimes power is not in the action, but rather it’s in the inaction. In letting your body tell you when it’s time for the transformation-however way it shapes- whether in a renewed marriage or a gentle and decisive break away from it.
My psychologist used to tell me, “Zeina, there’s so much wisdom within you. Don’t ask me for the answer, look inwards, be still, and your internal navigation will lead you to the answer.”
Recently I was listening to Rich Roll’s podcast, when Social scientist, Arthur C. Brook, said that humans, especially in their 40’s should activate their “Crystalized Intelligence”- that’s the wisdom they gain from their experiences. Maybe you have not been divorced before, but you’ve gone through adversity, and you’ve survived it. How did you do that? What helped you in the past can help you now. Simply acknowledging that what you’re going through is a type of adversity that can be overcome will help you move through it.
But Stillness and Waiting….People are not comfortable with those. Simply drawing our attention inwards for signals from our body and soul. It takes a lot of discipline and self trust to do so. Be that person who has discipline and self love. You’ll be amazed at what you’ll find out about yourself and what you want.
Finally, I’ll leave you with this quote from someone I follow closely and am inspired by, Suleila Jaouad, best selling author, and cancer patient says:
“But in the between moments, though difficult, are sacred. They are rites of passage, and rather than dreaded or rushed through, they should be honored.”
The decision to separate from your partner is not an easy one. The un-coupling of your relationship comes with all sorts of uncomfortable, and bitter feelings. In addition to the emotions, you must deal with the logistics of separation, such as dividing your assets and liabilities, finding a new home, and negotiating a parenting plan if you share children.