Alberta Divorce Tips
I think it’s time for a speed course on what some of those weird divorce legal terms mean.
Are you ready?
- Uncontested Divorce: Both agree to the terms of the divorce, but one starts the action (the Plaintiff), and one is still on the receiving end (Defendant).
- Joint Divorce: Same as the Uncontested Divorce but both are “Applicants” – (no Plaintiff/Defendant). Also, no one gets served.
- Divorce Judgment: Final divorce order
- Divorce Certificate: Is released by the courts 30 days after the Divorce is granted (Divorce Judgment signed by a Justice)
- Why Justice not Judge: Divorce is a Federal Act. Judges make orders for provincial matters. Justices rule in the higher court.
- Family Property: Matrimonial Property (the sum of your assets and liabilities)
- Desk Divorce: Divorces that are either joint or uncontested and can be submitted to a Justice directly. (no court appearance). The Justices review and grant them in their office.
- Separation Date: The date you stopped living as a married couple.
Is there a term on your mind that we haven’t answered here? please let us know!
Do you ever wonder how you got here?
Do you wake up some days in disbelief that you’re actually thinking of divorce? It feels that you suddenly arrived here, but in reality, you went through the progression of the 4 R’s that Dr. Barbara DeAngelis identifies as the destructive phases that kill a relationship:
Stage One, Resistance: When you start to get annoyed with your partner. You don’t communicate your feelings, so the annoyance grows.
Stage Two, Resentment: Now you’re not just annoyed, you’re angry with your partner. Even minor things feel like big problems.
Stage Thee, Rejection: Here, you’re looking for ways to make your partner wrong, all the time. You’re not only experiencing emotional separation, but also physical one.
Stage Four, Repression: You are tired of the anger, so you create emotional numbness. You avoid pain, but you also avoid passion and intimacy. This is the most dangerous phase as it’s the hardest to come back from.
*This is where lovers turn into roommates.
Does this resonate with you? What stage do you feel you’re in?
More and more adult children are choosing to either stay home past the age of 18 or return after graduating post secondary education.
In fact, research shows that 52% of adult children between the age of 18 and 29 live with their parents. That’s a stretch from a time when the day after the child turns 18, they’re out the door!
So what happens with child support if your kid moves back home? Is your ex responsible for making monthly payments?
It is not an absolute yes. The Judges will look at many factors, including:
- Does the child have a reason to be financially dependent on their parents?
- Are they finished with their first degree?
- Do they have the ability to work and provide for themselves?
- Are they actively looking for a paying job?
An adult child has an obligation to unhook from their parents and plan for financial independence. Returning home does not automatically restart child support payments.
The most excruciating question you will ever ask yourself.
Do I stay or do I go?
I heard so many people say, I wish he would just hit me so I have a “real” reason to leave. In the absence of a hard justification, a tremendous amount of internal mining and thoughtfulness is required. But eventually you get to a point where it feelswrong to stay. And the secondary question becomes, can I go?
Before you go, you must consider these things:
1.Do you have a place to stay at? If planning to live with a family member or friend, have you had the conversation with them?
2.If you have kids, how will you share time with your ex?
3.Can you financially support yourself if your ex suddenly stops contributing to your expenses?
4.Do you need to take care of anything imminent like changing title or mortgage on your house?
5.Are there any safety measures you need to take?
Take your time to consider these things. Don’t leave yourself high and dry. The more planning you put into your exit, the smoother your transition will be.
Your partner comes to you and tells you they want a separation. Ouch. That hurts on multiple levels.
- Emotional- she’s the love of my life
- Identity- I belong to him and he belongs to me
- Religious- we don’t do divorce in my faith
- Practicality- I don’t know how to cook
- Financial- S*it- does that mean she gets half my pension?
This is when you stop breathing and fear kicks in. Fear is followed by a fight or flight response.
Are you a fight kind of person or a flight one?
This is how you know..
Flight manifests in physical escape or emotional withdrawal.
Fight shows up in verbal and emotional attacks.
Let me ask you this: Which one of these responses are you using right now? Is it working for you?
Instead of fight of flight, do what actually works. Choose Consciousness and Clarity.
- Take the time to consciously process the hurt and anger you feel right now
- Get clear on what you need to know about separation
- Have the tough conversations with your ex about what’s next. And if this get too tough, reach out to us, We can help.
Is it just me or do you also see the word “gaslighting” popping up everywhere, even in situations where it does not actually apply?
Would you call it gaslighting when someone says, “You could do better than that”, or “I’m not okay with the way you just acted”, or “You don’t’ look good in orange”.
These are mean comments but they’re not gaslighting comments.
Here’s the real definition for gaslighting:
“[It] is a “devastating” psychological tactic combining elements of manipulation, control and exploitation of trust.”
Now what you’ll say is, ‘Zeina, mean-gaslighting, same-same- why does it matter?”
It does because, what we name behaviors is directly correlated with what we feel about them, and how we react to them. And if you want to be the collected, and controlled communicator you strive to be, you need to use appropriate language.
If the other person is not intentionally and consistently inflicting devastating psychological abuse onto you, it’s not gaslighting- it’s good ol’ mean. Which is not okay, of course! But you’re going to deal with it very differently from the former.
We hear our own voice the loudest, make it accurate.
Wondering what to do about the forks and knives, couches, and beds?
Who gets what and do you attach a dollar value to it?
Should you value your house things at what you bought them for 15 years ago or what you would sell them for today?
Does the spouse keeping the house also keeps everything or do you divide them down the middle?
Different solutions appeal to different people, depending on whether you’re more of detailed vs a high level kind of person..(do you see the trees while others see the forest or visa versa). Here are 3 ways to do this:
- Split down the middle: Divide the belongings amongst each other. You call it a wash even if one of you gets some more than the other. This works well if you’re selling your home and each moving into a new place.
- One keeps all/other gets $$: If one is staying in the home, and keeping most of the belongings, you can put a ballpark figure on the value as a whole. An average amount for things in an Alberta home that does not have a ton of art or valuable items is between $15,000 and $25,000.
- The “Excel Way”: Go into each room and itemize the things in it, and then assign a dollar value to them. You can choose to either use bought value or sellable value. Some people believe that if they were to go and buy new furniture, they’d be buying them new, therefore they use bought value. Most people go with used value. And then from there, you can decide who gets what, and one pays the other the difference.
**We at TDS have a handy spreadsheet you can use to itemize your house belongings. Reply to this email and we’ll send it to you!
You want to keep things amicable, and avoid litigation and court. But your ex is extremely unreasonable, and cannot be trusted to negotiate in good faith. Although not your first choice, you decide to hire a lawyer, or they do it first, and you feel forced to hire one too.
Totally understandable.
It’s okay to go with lawyers, but it’s not okay to abdicate your entire divorce process to them. Here’s what I mean by that:
Because a lawyer represents their client; (does the communication and talking in court for them), people usually put the entire process in their hands. They get tidbits of information about their file, but they often don’t understand the whole picture. Two reasons for why they do that: a) They assume the legalities are too difficult for them to comprehend, and b) they count on their lawyer to “steer the ship”, so to speak.
Hopefully they do steer it the direction you have in mind. But we’ve all heard horror stories of people who are left in the dark, with hopes that they’re getting close to the end, only to find out years and tens of thousands of dollars later, that they have not moved at all. Like my client who before coming to us, had spent 5 years, and $50,000, and did not have a single final document to show for.
I don’t want this to be you. Ask questions. Trust yourself to understand the legalities. Always know:
- What your lawyer is currently filing
- What claim or relief they are working on for a justice’s decision
- What kind of court hearing you have coming up
- What court options are available for you if the hearing doesn’t go well.
I see people fall into what I call, the black hole of divorce, so much, that I created a cheat sheet that you can use when interviewing lawyers. You can find it in our Separation Essentials.
And if you’re thinking of hiring a lawyer but have not yet, this blog will help you.
You want to keep things amicable, and avoid litigation and court. But your ex is extremely unreasonable, and cannot be trusted to negotiate in good faith. Although not your first choice, you decide to hire a lawyer, or they do it first, and you feel forced to hire one too.
Totally understandable.
It’s okay to go with lawyers, but it’s not okay to abdicate your entire divorce process to them. Here’s what I mean by that:
Because a lawyer represents their client; (does the communication and talking in court for them), people usually put the entire process in their hands. They get tidbits of information about their file, but they often don’t understand the whole picture. Two reasons for why they do that: a) They assume the legalities are too difficult for them to comprehend, and b) they count on their lawyer to “steer the ship”, so to speak.
Hopefully they do steer it the direction you have in mind. But we’ve all heard horror stories of people who are left in the dark, with hopes that they’re getting close to the end, only to find out years and tens of thousands of dollars later, that they have not moved at all. Like my client who before coming to us, had spent 5 years, and $50,000, and did not have a single final document to show for.
I don’t want this to be you. Ask questions. Trust yourself to understand the legalities. Always know:
- What your lawyer is currently filing
- What claim or relief they are working on for a justice’s decision
- What kind of court hearing you have coming up
- What court options are available for you if the hearing doesn’t go well.
I see people fall into what I call, the black hole of divorce, so much, that I created a cheat sheet that you can use when interviewing lawyers. You can find it in our Separation Essentials.
And if you’re thinking of hiring a lawyer but have not yet, this blog will help you.
The hardest thing about divorce is having to work as a team with someone you no longer want to be on the same team with! No matter your situation, you almost always gotta make joint decisions.So what do you do when you want to enroll your child in a sport, book travel, or actually finalize your divorce, and they don’t?
Here are 5 tips to guide you:
1.Know that your ex is probably in a different grief cycle than you. You are ready to get things done, and they’re still angry at the situation.
2.You cannot control how they feel nor react, but you can control your reaction to it.
3.You don’t have to give in just because they’re in a different grief stage.
4.Show them empathy.
5. Negotiate. Do you pay for your child’s sport but they help with drop offs and pickups? Will they sign a travel letter if you facilitate daily facetime? Does talking to someone from TDS make them feel comfortable with the amicable divorce process?
There’s so much that runs under the surface. Be brave to explore it, and book a ZRDA if you want more tips from me.
This may surprise you, but you should look at child support the same way that Judges do. And that is; when finalizing a child support agreement with your ex, it’s best that you simply follow the federal guidelines. It is true that Judges may permit child support that is lower than the guidelines, or even nil – but they prefer the guidelines, and so should you. Here’s why:
- When you follow the guidelines, you and your ex-spouse exchange income information yearly, which allows you to recalculate support based on your current incomes. This makes the transaction fair to both the payer and receiver.
- if one of you is making lower or higher than the previous year, you do not have to go back and update your order. You simply follow the new calculated amount.
- You are not stuck with an agreed upon amount outside the guidelines that no longer works after years of separation. (The $200 you agreed to works for your toddler now, but what about when they’re teenagers?)